I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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