The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
