Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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