i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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