so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
