i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
