So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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