So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
