All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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