I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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