He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
