the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize