After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
