That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
