oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize