I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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