I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
