You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
