I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
