Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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