Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
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