Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
