He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
