I wish I could teleport
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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