Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize