I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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