Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
