I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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