Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
