No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
PANTIES FOUND
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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