If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
