K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
