Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
