im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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