so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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