after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
