I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
