you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Randomize
