with your own penis?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
