don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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