At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
