I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
