I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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