you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
