I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
