I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
