OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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