Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
