Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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