You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
