lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
