I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
