You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
