When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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