News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize