There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
