I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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