I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
