i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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