Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
