she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
