Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
