you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
