I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
