Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
