I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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