she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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